Next Step: Being a hoe? Part 1

I recently said to a friend the next chapter of my life will be called “When I was a Hoe.” I went on to say when you read that chapter, to cut a long story short, just skip to the end, it will say “I’m still a hoe.”

It’s a rather strange way to introduce you readers to myself but I think you will find out I’m a self-deprecating mess and you will love me for it.

Chanel has been trying to get me to contribute to her blog for the longest time. I think I was her first ever editor. I always resisted the urge because I always thought I didn’t have much to say. However the events of the last few months of my life got me thinking, maybe I should find a contructive way to work through my emotions. Since I’m a professional writer I thought why not write it down.

This first post will take you through my ‘hoe’ origins. In the beginning God created heaven and earth, but, if Chanel’s religion is to be believed I came some two thousand years later. I was a smart youngster who did well in school and watched way too much television, so, I got the concept in my head that a guy should have one girlfriend. I found the person I thought was going to be perfect for me.

S.W was beautiful, smart, untamed and best of all she admitted she liked me. She was the first girl to ever do that to me. I was already impressed but now I was hooked. I did all the things I thought should be done in young love – I was about 13. We held hands, we talked for hours about the most random stuff, whenever we’d meet I would sneak a kiss or she would find somewhere to be alone.

But she was also my first heartbreak. The first step on my road to “Hoe-dom” come around next week, I’ll tell you all about it.

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Complaining…

As my vacation came to an end, I spent long moments reflecting. These moments were quite different from the first half of my vacation. Those were days I spent on a cruise mingling, making new friends, enjoying the entertainment and exploring new locations. These were all activities designed to feed my outgoing side. The only times I took for deep introspection were pre-dawn when I religiously got up to catch the sunrise. These were some of the most beautiful sunrises I had ever seem. As I stood on the ship’s deck and gazed at the sun rising from the horizon, I couldn’t help but feel in awe of God for His majestic works.

My latter vacation days were totally different. I spent hours on introspection as I thought about who I am and my year. I guess you guys can call this my year in reflection post. For the first time in many years, I can honestly say that I cried a lot this year! I cried during movies, I cried when I felt hurt or overwhelmed and I laughed until I cried. The difference though was that I ensured that for each of those moments I cried, I found even more powerful and soul-cleansing moments to laugh and smile about. So even though I cried a lot, I also laughed, smiled and played a lot.

I have a confession to make. This year, especially towards the end, there were many times I felt tired and ready to give up. I had some serious lows.

  1. Early in the year, my sister and I met in an accident with a Leyland truck on her way to drop me to work.
  2. My youngest nephew ended up in the hospital twice this year.
  3. While learning to drive, I hit someone’s car.
  4. I lost a close friend.
  5. I had my first failure to effectively close out a project. 
  6. While dealing with the ending craziness of that project, I received news that my grandmother was in the hospital and could have died. 
  7. While dealing with the craziness of the project, I got ill. My anemia started acting up to the point where I shivered constantly even in warm weather and fought waves of nausea and dizziness. As if that wasn’t enough, I also had to deal with issue that had affected me emotionally. In truth, #6 and #7 left me an emotional wreck.

In those moments, I can truly understand if God felt a little exasperated with me but through it all, He patiently taught me to focus on the silver lining that existed in each dark cloud.

  1. Both my sister and I escaped the accident without a physical scratch. We were alive! The car got fixed!
  2. My nephew is home, happy and well. None of his illnesses affected him long term.
  3. We got the man’s car fixed although he was a bastard about the issue.
  4. Maybe that friend was not supposed to be a part of my life beyond that point. My life now has less drama.
  5. The project gave me a lot of experience that I can use to effectively build my career. I also got a chance for a do-over.
  6. My grandmother is now home and recuperating.
  7. That period gave me the chance to see what I am made of. Despite being ill and feeling intimidated at times, I was not built to break.

You are not built to break either. Don’t waste time and energy complaining! Even in the darkest of storms, you can find the light. After all, with storms come the lightening. Loves, you are stronger than you think because it is in your weakness that you will find God’s strength.

XOXO,
Chañel.

My Perfect Mistake

​Headiness was catching
Talking, laughing
Mind alighting
Yearning…
Touching?
Forced to face
You weren’t surface but buried flesh-deep
A thorn, you are
My perfect mistake.

Ravaged by a few
Perfect-imperfect moments
Lolled into a false sense of security.
Awakened with the knowledge
Nothing is as it seems.
I was the surface
Just goosebumps, I am
Your unacknowledged mistake
While you were buried flesh-deep
A thorn, you are
My perfect mistake.

Distracted. 
Lost to space and time.
While wise mind screams, “Let it go.”
Hurt heart wonders, “Why?”
And worries bout you.
Body and soul steels and suffers
Forced to face each day
The evidence of my perfect mistake.
The thief? The deceiver?
Buried flesh-deep
A thorn, you are
My perfect mistake.

XOXO,
Chañel.

Speak in Haste, Repent at Leisure

While I am a very laid back individual, I happen to have a temper button that few people know how to hit the right way. Over the last few years, I must admit that I have become a bit complacent as I went through life without coming across anyone who disturbed my gratifying peace.

The last two weeks found me under some immense stress. A lot of things were happening on all levels of my life and I had began short-changing myself in order to get them done. I felt weary and out-of-sorts. This was when the attack came.

Someone made some really snarky comments to me. In the moment, I read, put in the to-be-processed-at-a-later-date queue and went on with my life. That later date came Sunday morning, I re-read and felt annoyed to my core. I tapped out a response in seconds. Now let’s just say, when the old me (the fool) gets mad, her aim is generally to wind the other person up and make them madder by telling then the truth in blunt terms in a condescending manner. The old me (the fool) emerged in scathing form and succeeded beyond her wildest dreams. This verse was proven true in a negative way:

A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in pictures of silver. – Proverbs 25:11

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Relationship Security should be the New Rage

I had a conversation with one of my best friends the other day. During this conversation we touched briefly on the fact that while I was heading towards broke, he was at broke. When I heard, I had no qualms or reservations about offering my aid until he got paid. What struck me was his reply, “No man, I’m good. *Name of fiancée* has got me.”
You can just imagine my wide-eyed response. I was shocked! I found myself musing over that response for a few days and even now I am still shocked by it.

I have always said that I would never choose a partner on the basis of his wealth. In fact, I can honestly say that I find the idea of gold-digging quite distasteful. Having a partner who you know has you locked spiritually, mentally, emotionally and financially, if needed or he/she wants to, should be the rage.

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First Crushes and Loves

Today, at lunch, a conversation about giving the bird and the bees talk turned into our outrageous actions done in the name of primary school crushes. I found myself fondly remembering my first crush.

I was a nine-year old who had just moved to a new area. Moving meant leaving all my friends behind and starting a new school after sitting out almost half the school year at grade two. I remember feeling really awkward and missing my friends terribly on my first day as a grade three student in a new school.

It was around the time when I was getting really familiar with the school that I noticed M. There shouldn’t have been anything special about him. He was just an ordinary boy from a different class. An ordinary boy who did one thing. He made my heart pound just a bit faster. Out of principle, I took to avoiding him because frankly I didn’t like anything that I couldn’t understand. I certainly didn’t understand my reaction to him!

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Shame! Shame! Shame!

Have you ever felt rejection? Have you ever been metaphorically slapped in the face by shame over the way someone made you feel? Have you ever been made to squirm in your chair as you listened to someone talk about you in such a condescending manner that grated?

Does anyone come to mind as you read this? How did that rejection make you feel? Small? Unworthy? Unwanted? Unloved? Angry? Embarrassed? Do you still mentally squirm when you remember the moment? Do you still feel angry or upset over the way that person made you feel?

How about you? Have you been loving your neighbor as yourself? Have you ever made someone feel the way you have felt? Have you ever rejected someone? Intentionally? Unintentionally? Maybe taken a person’s love or hero worship and just crush it with a look, a laugh or even a word?

Does anyone come to mind as you read this? Perhaps a person you considered beneath you? A stranger? Someone who had a crush on you? Or maybe Jesus? What about Jesus?

It takes a lot for someone who loves you, to not want to be around you anymore. It takes a lot. A lot of hurt! A lot of rejection! A lot of disrespect! A lot of rejection! It takes a lot for Jesus to reach the point where He will one day say:

Depart from me, I know you not!

Have you rejected Him? Have you rejected others? Shame! Shame! Shame!

It’s a lot of food for thought isn’t it?

XOXO,
Chañel.