Kings Exist! They Are Not Dead.

James & Katie (1)

A dedication to J, a king who loved me and taught me to love wholesomely.

Early last year, I grew to love someone romantically for the first time in years. He was perfect not because I couldn’t see his imperfections but because I did and I still wanted him. He made my day brighter just by being in it. He had the incredible ability to frustrate me in equal proportions as his ability to do something totally ridiculous that would have me squealing with laughter until tears ran down my face or smiled until my jaws hurt. He loved to make me smile! In his words, “What’s the world without the prettiest smile from the prettiest girl?”

He was the first man I’ve been involved with who wanted to pray with and for me. Although most of the times, he was thousands of miles away, travelling, there was never a night that we did not speak or a journey that he did not call to check that I had made it.

He understood that I wasn’t perfect but still he saw perfection in me despite my imperfections. He listened when I spoke. We spoke about the hard topics. We learned to agree to disagree on stuff that we both felt strongly about. He supported, motivated and pushed me to my limits. He was the type of guy who would spend hours learning and quizzing me about a topic that he knew nothing about just because I had an exam coming up. He made me want to be a better person on all levels. He forced me to be brave and let my voice be heard. He made me see the world in a more different and exciting way.

This guy was perfect! Incredibly, we synced and fit on everything but one…the one thing that turned out to be the deal-breaker. Before I knew it, I was planning to let my perfect guy go, overruling his protestations that he wanted me more than some childhood dream. Yet, I couldn’t bear the thought that maybe, just maybe, one day that special glow in his eyes, when he looked at me, would die when the conclusion sunk in that I was really serious and wouldn’t give him the one thing he has yearned for for as long as he could remember. And so, dying a little inside, I let him go and I walked away without looking back. We haven’t spoken since…

My heart aches whenever I hear a woman say that there are no good men out there. I know that’s a lie because I had one and he treated me as his queen. The queen in me rose and aligned to the king in him. But, before I could get there, the queen in me had to be readied so that she would see, acknowledge and respond wholesomely to the king he is. Only then did the incredible and rare thing occurs where we both connected, fitted and synced on another level. This is an experience I wish for all ladies. Only, when you find him, may you get to keep him.

 


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May the Peace of God go with you!

XOXO
Chañel

 

Next Step: Being a hoe? Part 1

I recently said to a friend the next chapter of my life will be called “When I was a Hoe.” I went on to say when you read that chapter, to cut a long story short, just skip to the end, it will say “I’m still a hoe.”

It’s a rather strange way to introduce you readers to myself but I think you will find out I’m a self-deprecating mess and you will love me for it.

Chanel has been trying to get me to contribute to her blog for the longest time. I think I was her first ever editor. I always resisted the urge because I always thought I didn’t have much to say. However the events of the last few months of my life got me thinking, maybe I should find a contructive way to work through my emotions. Since I’m a professional writer I thought why not write it down.

This first post will take you through my ‘hoe’ origins. In the beginning God created heaven and earth, but, if Chanel’s religion is to be believed I came some two thousand years later. I was a smart youngster who did well in school and watched way too much television, so, I got the concept in my head that a guy should have one girlfriend. I found the person I thought was going to be perfect for me.

S.W was beautiful, smart, untamed and best of all she admitted she liked me. She was the first girl to ever do that to me. I was already impressed but now I was hooked. I did all the things I thought should be done in young love – I was about 13. We held hands, we talked for hours about the most random stuff, whenever we’d meet I would sneak a kiss or she would find somewhere to be alone.

But she was also my first heartbreak. The first step on my road to “Hoe-dom” come around next week, I’ll tell you all about it.

Dating the Dozen

Can I tell you guys that I started year 24 with a lot of hope. I was determined that it would be my best year yet especially, as my supervisor reminded me, it was my year according to the Chinese. Year 24 has been challenging, frustrating and rewarding. Most importantly, it is the year that I’ve learned to be brave and to find, define and focus on the positives.
 After almost three years of chosen singleness, I felt ready to be open and step out again. Fear and indecisiveness ruled me until my friends took matters into their own hands. Before I had time to think, I was agreeing to do to something different. My friends would ensure that I went on at least one date per month! 
That challenge was successful in a way that I didn’t expect! It turns out that my friends’ taste in men may be as atrocious as mine but these were experiences worth having. I didn’t find “the one” but some of these experiences forced me to find positives in some very dark clouds.

  1. Mr. April, a friend, reminded me to listen. I was blown away by the simple yet considerate touches he made to ensure our picnic date was memorable. Read more about that experience here.
  2. Mr. May, the lawyer who boasted constantly about himself and his successes reminded me of the grace and dignity which exists in being humble. 
  3. Mr. June, the guy who felt the need to tell me exactly where he thought a woman’s place is – in the home and breeding – reminded me of the importance of chasing after what i believed and never letting anyone, but God, stick a label on me.
  4. Mr. July, the guy who made me laugh until I cried, reminded me of the joy that came with smiling from within and being silly just because and the joy that exists in sharing that light. 
  5. Mr. August, the guy with the gap in his teeth who tried to grope me, gave me two lessons. The gap reminded me of a close friend I had a few years ago who disconnected when we had a major fall -out. Realizing how much I missed him, I reached out and we reconnected. He also reminded me of the importance of treating persons in the way that I expected to be treated. I walked away without giving him the kick my indignation said he deserved.
  6. Mr. September taught me to be open to expressing myself and slowing down and taking the time to savour the things I enjoy. I now ensure that I take the time to stop and smell the roses and, most importantly, to relax.
  7. I didn’t go on a date with Mr. October but, whilst he intrigued and challenged me and made me want more, he also served as the biggest and most painful lesson of all. Crying, even in bathrooms, when disappointed or hurt is not an indication of weakness or defeat but of strength, especially when after you are done, you get up and get back in the game swinging with all your might. Weakness is your unwillingness or inability to deal with the hurt/disappointment and allowing it to take root and fester inside. He reminded me to BE BRAVE!
  8. Following Mr. October, I took November off to ensure that I did not suffer any emotional ill-effects. I stepped back in the game after meeting Mr. December on my cruise. He reminded me to embrace the woman I am but not be afraid to let my inner child out to play. Guys, being chased, screaming and laughing in the rain is exhilarating! An added bonus is when, though you are soaked, the guy you are on a date with catches you and then looks and proclaims you the most beautiful sight he has ever seen. In that moment, I found myself wishing I could bring him back to Jamaica with me.

More than 3/4s of my experiences so far haven’t been anything to write home about but they have been very eye-opening. In fact, I look forward to continuing the challenge right up to the end of March 2018. You see guys, no matter how despairing, disheartening and disappointing the situation may seem, it’s all about perspective. 

I prefer to believe that there is a good reason or positive light to every negative. God has too much in store for you for you to only focus on the negative side of any experience you have!

The glass is only half-empty if you choose to see it that way. As for me? I prefer my glass half-full with a lot of room for possibilities, opportunities and…good wine. 😉 What about you?

XOXO
Chañel.

Death Could Not Hold Him Down

For the last few nights, I’ve had difficulty sleeping soundly. There has been a few things on my mind and I kept taking naps before my sleep patterns kept getting disturbed. This habit has made me restless, edgy and tired. I also recognized that if I kept it up, I would soon be unable to function efficiently.

To make matters worse, I was ridiculously ill yesterday. I spent the day in pain, popping pills, nauseous and dizzy to the point where I kept digging my nails in my palms to fight the waves. Only God knows how I managed to stay on my feet for practically the whole day as I worked non-stop. I was unable to keep anything down until dinner. When I finally went to bed, I found that once again I was unable to sleep properly.

This morning, rare for me, I got up before my first alarm, my thoughts centered on a project that I am currently at the tail end of. It has been a long couple of months and let’s just say that the last few days have not been easy as we draw closer to the end.

Early morning found me talking to God about the project and all the moving pieces that refused to settle as well as my health. For the first time in a while, I pulled up a Benita Washington medley to listen to as I completed my morning routine. I headed into the shower singing along to the worship medley. My shower time turned into a worship session. The thought that struck with me was:

No matter how dead your situation may seem, remember you serve a God who not even death could hold Him down. Our God is ALWAYS victorious.

God used this opportunity to remind me of the many dead situations that He had resurrected in my life. He reminded me of His story where not even death could hold Him down. He, Reigning King, had conquered death and the grave. He reminded me that He’s got me covered.

For the first time in a while, my soul felt still and comforted. I knew then that everything would be okay despite what seemed to be a storm.

Folks, God is simply better than slice bread. He always sends a word or shows up on time. Today worked out well and although there is still much to be done and there was a moment when things seemed really dark, He came through.

Then again, if He is a God who conquered death, why should I worry about seemingly threatening discombobulating situations. He has never lost a battle and is always victorious. Death couldn’t hold Him down!

XOXO,
Chañel.

A Ziplining Lesson

Recently, I went on a work trip. Part of the trip took us to Y.S. Falls where I tried 5 ziplines for the first time. Like any first experience of that active nature, I didn’t quite know how to feel but as the experience continued, I picked up a couple lessons on the way.

Before we could start, we were locked into the relevant gear including helmets. As we stood waiting for all our team members to be geared-up, we had a couple of persons who had done it already and they were the ones who tried to alleviate some of our fears. However, in talking, these were the ones who made facing the experience even more fearful.My level of fear was slowing vamping up as I stood listening. I realised then that whilst God has not given me a spirit of fear, fear could be found within the uncertainty of excelling at the unknown and from external factors like well-meaning individuals. At that point I stopped listening and told myself that I could do it.

The walk to the first zipline was long especially since I haven’t done any exercise in months. Again I found myself wavering as my lungs struggled for air and my knees protested and threatened to buckle. Just when I was about to give in to my wavering mind and protesting body, I reached the top and it was beautiful! From this experience, another lesson emerged. The hardest step to fulfilling your dream is the preparation stage to beginning. Sometimes everything will seem to be against you as you try to put things in place. You may even consider giving up but if you hold out, your destination (starting point) will be incredibly beautiful. With everything in place, you will be filled with an incredible pride and satisfaction as you stand on the brink of conquering the world.

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Je Ne Regrette Rien! (I Don’t Regret Anything!)


I sat at my desk working while listening music and the strangest thing happened! James Blunt’s You’re Beautiful started playing and immediately I had a flashback concerning my ex that left me with the hugest grin on my face.

It was two weeks before my 18th birthday at 2am. We were up on the phone again after I had weaseled him into staying up, for the third night in a row. I still can’t believe how he always yielded to me. This time, he was the one asking me to do something. He wanted me to sing him something before we headed to bed. I refused as a plan formulated in my head. The next morning, as I headed off to school, I called him and sang him a rendition of “You’re Beautiful.”

In the early stages of the last few years, my brain focused on the ugly aspects of my past relationship. I was hurt and angry and so, my heart focused on all the reasons he was the enemy. I forgot our good times and the lessons these experiences taught me. Here are a few lessons these better moments taught me:

  1. He gave me my first impromptu driving lesson although, I didn’t get far before he started yelling at me to turn the wheel correctly and I yelled back. That was my first and last lesson from him but it taught me the importance of helping your partner in anyway you can. This means that you should always be open to teaching your partner because neither will know everything.
  2. The first time we met, he tried to flirt with me but called me the wrong name. I ignored him. Later in the day, being the tomboy I was, I climbed up to a cliff only to realize that I couldn’t get down by myself. He ended up being the one to lift me down. That bit of kindness opened my mind to him. This taught me the importance of being careful of how you treat people. You never know when you will need their help.
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First Crushes and Loves

Today, at lunch, a conversation about giving the bird and the bees talk turned into our outrageous actions done in the name of primary school crushes. I found myself fondly remembering my first crush.

I was a nine-year old who had just moved to a new area. Moving meant leaving all my friends behind and starting a new school after sitting out almost half the school year at grade two. I remember feeling really awkward and missing my friends terribly on my first day as a grade three student in a new school.

It was around the time when I was getting really familiar with the school that I noticed M. There shouldn’t have been anything special about him. He was just an ordinary boy from a different class. An ordinary boy who did one thing. He made my heart pound just a bit faster. Out of principle, I took to avoiding him because frankly I didn’t like anything that I couldn’t understand. I certainly didn’t understand my reaction to him!

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